


Dark Paradise

by letusbebrave



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 01:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letusbebrave/pseuds/letusbebrave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You have no idea who you are anymore." Set after 3x21.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There's No Remedy For Memory

* * *

_Numbness._

_You don't feel anything. You stopped feeling when you fell down. You haven't gotten up. You haven't caught your breath. There are numerous tracks of tears running down your face. It's a chilly night. The tear tracks cause your face to get cold, but you don't do anything about it. You can't feel your legs anymore; you've been on your knees for too long. You don't feel your fingers either. You feel nothing._

_You should feel something. The numbness shouldn't reach to your core. You should feel something. Instead you feel nothing. No emotion, no suffering, no need. You don't have any needs. Your sorrow had been let go into the night. The screams of absolute pain you let out, the sobs; you've exhausted yourself. You've exhausted your emotions. They've drained from your body completely. Not only sorrow and pain, but any joy or happiness is gone._

_You don't have any feelings now. You can't even will your brain to work. There is no will in you anymore._

_Darkness._

_You can't see anything other than what's in front of you. It's not that there isn't any light coming from the sky. The darkness has consumed you. You don't feel light. If it were a choice, you'd never want to see the sun again. Darkness has invaded your soul. You feel numb in the dark. It's where you want to be. It's where you need to be._

_The darkness chills you to the bone. Darkness and sadness, the two brothers have found a way to switch within your heart. The places filled with despair and sorrow are filled with darkness now. The numbness plays it's role and the feelings are gone. You'd be grateful for that if you could. You wanted all the sorrow to go away and now it has._

_Pain_

_There's blood lining your hands. The pain draws you back into the land of the living. The tingling in your hands is the only thing that reminds you that you're alive. Your throat is raw from screaming. Your eyes burn in their sockets from the tears that you've cried. There aren't any more tears though. All that's left of you is on the ground. You should be embarrassed at how you look, but you're not._

_You've tripped and ended up on the ground. You aren't sure where you are, but you don't care. All you can see is your hands. You see the dirt around you, but it doesn't matter. You can see your sleeves and acorns and there's this little button on your sleeve. You hate the button. There isn't a purpose for it. There isn't a purpose for you anymore either._

_If this was the last thing you ever saw, you could handle that._

_You're done._

_You've had enough._

_The universe has won. You're finished. Spencer Hastings doesn't exist now. All the effort, all the trying was done in vain. It's over now. You know you'll never be able to recover from any of this. You're broken. All the times that you've tried to glue yourself together, the breaks have come back and you've fallen apart._

_Not even the most skilled hands would be able to put you back together._

_Mona has finally won._

_You're done._

_You don't want to even get back up again. If you stand up, you'd be trying. You're done trying. You wish you could be done breathing, but you can't. Instead, the oxygen forces itself into your lungs and you curse yourself for breathing. You curse yourself for hyperventilating. It doesn't matter. You're not weak anymore; you're not strong. You're nothing. You want to become nothing._

_You don't even feel like you anymore._

_You wish your friends were here with you. The longer you are on the floor of the forest alone, the more of you dies. You wish your friends were there to pick you up. To tell you who you were. But you're alone. You're all alone and every single bit of Spencer Hastings that had been hanging on leaves as the night goes on._

_You're not even you anymore._

_This isn't who you are._

_Who you are is dead._

_You don't know yourself anymore._

_So when the park ranger asks you who you are in the morning, you aren't lying._

_You don't have any idea who you are._

_The last bit of you slips away as you whimper Toby's name and cry in the jeep._

_You're tired._

_You're done._

_You're gone._

* * *

" _You were never the weak link, Emily. Spencer was."_

The burden hadn't been lifted from Emily's chest once they found out where Spencer was. Instead, it only made Emily worry more. It could have just been Spencer going away to relax. She could have been at her cabin trying to recover, but now Emily knew that she was in Radley. The place wasn't safe. It was where Mona had went and came back even crazier than before. Spencer wasn't safe. No matter how many times Dr. Sullivan or her parents could tell her it was the safest space for Spencer, Emily knew that it wasn't. How could it be safe when none of her friends could see her? When _Emily_ couldn't see her. How was that safe at all? Spencer was left in there with people who didn't know her. None of them knew everything they had been through. They had been tortured and manipulated. If anything, Spencer had been one of the worst effected by "A" and everything that had happened.

Even after she went with the other girls to see Spencer, Emily didn't feel any better. It wasn't only the walls at Radley that were keeping Spencer away from them; it was Spencer herself. Emily knew Spencer. She knew that it had been too much for all of them to visit Spencer at once. It was the main reason that Emily had decided to go back alone to see Spencer.

Emily wished that they could have this conversation someplace other than the white walls of Radley. She would have made coffee and they could have been by the fire in Spencer's house or in Emily's bedroom. It could have been peaceful and private. But this was as good as it was going to get. She didn't have a choice to change the setting. She needed to talk to Spencer and this was the only place to do it.

Spencer was sitting at the piano when Emily returned that evening. Emily could see her fingers slowly, deliberately pressing down on keys. Emily never knew that Spencer could play the piano. It didn't surprise her though. It seemed like Spencer could do everything.

"Spencer, there's someone—"

"I don't want to see anyone else," Spencer said in a tired voice without even turning around to meet the gaze of the nurse. Just a few days ago, Spencer had been full of anger and hurt, but now it seemed like all the emotion had been drawn away from her body. Left in the wake was just a tired soul.

"Spencer, it's just me," Emily spoke quietly. She could see Spencer's chest heave down slightly as she heard Emily's voice. Her body relaxed slightly before she turned around for a moment to glance at Emily. Emily took that as a cue to sit down beside the girl.

"What, the girls didn't want to come see me again?" Spencer asked. She had obviously tried to make it sound sarcastic and rude, but it didn't come out that way. No matter how harsh she wished she could be, Spencer just didn't have it in her anymore.

"You don't need to do that. It's just me," Emily repeated in a calm voice. She wouldn't comfort Spencer yet, because she knew the other girl would just take it as coddling and it would embarrass her further.

No words came from Spencer. Her fingers stayed lightly laid against the old piano keys. There was no music or noise from the other girl, just a silence that filled Emily with sadness.

"They found another body. They think… They think its Toby."

Spencer didn't even flinch hearing the news. Instead she shrunk down more like a weight had been lifted off of her. It reminded Emily of a small animal once they know it's over and they just give up. It's like all the life leaves their body while their heart is still beating. It terrified Emily knowing that Spencer was giving up. Spencer hadn't said a word since. The silence was tearing into Emily and the tears were in her eyes.

"They found your purse by it. The police… they won't know for sure for a-"

"It's Toby."

Emily wouldn't argue with Spencer. The other girls were convinced that Toby wasn't dead and Spencer had gone crazy. The latter might have been true, but it had to be because Toby was dead. Emily knew what it felt like to lose someone.

Death.

Emily knew what it meant to lose someone that you loved. Even after betrayal, the pain didn't diminish. It just amplified the pain knowing that things ended in such a horrible spot, to know that you never got to say "I love you" one last time. It was terrible seeing Spencer so broken. It was like the other girl had died with Toby. Emily had never seen anyone look so far gone. Even after she had lost Maya, Emily knew she had never looked like this. Emily never got a break from hurting. It was a constant burning pain that had rolled constantly through her body. Emily had wished to turn off the pain during the first few months. She had wished to stop feeling. But looking at Spencer now… she knew that turning the switch wasn't the answer. It wasn't helpful at all. It just delayed the process. It made it all _more_ miserable.

"I miss you."

"Don't," Spencer spoke with such a sadness that it was hard for Emily _not_ to want to well up with tears. "Don't miss me. Just leave me in here. Forget about this all. Just go back and focus on Aria and Hanna and school…"

"None of them are you, Spencer." It was just the simple fact. No matter how much time she could spend with any of them, none of them filled the void left in Spencer's absence. "I can't watch you like this."

" _Watch me what? Not be Spencer Hastings anymore? Because clearly that's not working out for me."_

"I'm not me, Emily. I'm not the girl you know. You don't know me. Not anymore."

It wasn't the words that took Emily by surprise, but the feel behind them. Her own feelings towards the words took her by surprise. Many different emotions rose within her, but none of them greater than absolute sorrow for the other girl. Emily had a strong urge to protect the other girl not from other people anymore, but from herself.

"You're wrong," Emily said. It was impossible for her to stop her eyes from filling up with tears. She wished that Spencer could see inside of her heart. See how much absolutely the statement wasn't true. That she could see that Emily wanted to be there for her.

It wasn't even that anymore. Emily needed to be there for her. Spencer wanted to push everyone away, but Emily wasn't going to let that happen. Spencer had always been there for her. Emily wouldn't forget how it was Spencer who held her through the night when she found out Maya had died. She wouldn't forget that it was Spencer who encouraged her to go do something for the summer. It was Spencer that kept writing her and calling her through the summer. The other girl was crazy busy with school, but Spencer had made time to make sure Emily was still alive, still breathing. And that was one of the things that had gotten her through that summer.

"Spence."

There was only a slight turn in Spencer's body and Emily could tell that the other girl was beginning to crack. The emotions were starting to surface again. Emily could see it. "I miss you."

* * *

_You can't cry._

_If you cry, you won't stop for at least an hour. Ever since you came to Radley, they've been trying to put you back together. You hadn't been anyone for a couple of hours, but then Dr. Sullivan saw you. She knew who you were. You didn't get a choice. You were Spencer Hastings again._

_The pressure had been gone. You had been just another girl. You could be anyone._

_If you weren't Spencer, then you didn't have to think about anything that had happened._

_If you weren't Spencer, then maybe Toby wasn't dead._

_But you were._

_There was nobody else who wanted to be you. Nobody else stepped up to the position. Instead, it was you that was stuck with the burden of knowing that Toby had died because of you._

_So you lashed out, at the different doctors, at Melissa, even at Dr. Sullivan who was trying to help you. You knew what you had seen. Toby was dead. Everyone tried to tell you that he wasn't dead. That you had been seeing things in the forest. You knew that they were wrong. Toby was dead. A must have hidden the body. You weren't seeing things. It was true; he was dead. Someone had to believe you._

_You wanted to see the other girls at first, but it became one of the last things you wanted to do._

_The other people here… they understood. They didn't know you as Spencer Hastings. They knew you as Spencer. They didn't know you as strong. It was freeing. You didn't have to be strong._

_How do you keep going when the worst thing has happened?_

_She wasn't the girl they knew anymore. She was different. Nobody knew her anymore. She didn't even know herself._

_It was true._

_If you saw them, they'd ask questions and it would be real again. A would be threatening them and then threatening you. You had enough to deal with without them being there. They didn't know who you were anymore. They couldn't count on you._

_You couldn't be there for them. It hurt, but it was the truth. Everything that you had done before for all of them, it seemed pointless now. After everything, bad things still happened. It didn't stop. It would never stop._

_And now you were sitting here with Emily. You had been able to avoid the other girls as much as possible. It was too much seeing them. It was easy to just go hide in your room. It was harder to do the same with just Emily. Especially once she believed you._

_Emily believed you._

_You could see the pain in her eyes. You could see the belief that she had. It took a burden off your shoulders. You didn't have to have your guard up. You weren't crazy. Toby was dead._

_It hits you again._

_You wish you were back in the woods feeling nothing. Instead you feel everything. You can feel your body start to shake and you will it to stop. You want it to stop._

_It doesn't matter that Emily is there. You don't care about being strong in front of her anymore. You've cried enough for your lifetime just in the past 24 hours._

_But this time it's different. You knew what you saw, but now it was true. It was a relief, but the pain was stronger now. Toby wasn't coming back. IT wasn't a trick to make you go crazy. It wasn't a trick at all._

_He was dead. And it was your fault._

_Your shoulders began to shake as a sob made it's way up your diaphragm. Nothing would bring him back now. You couldn't even look at Emily. The pain wasn't limited to you. You remembered what she had said before. It stung within you as you thought about her friendship with Toby._

_You didn't have a monopoly on pain._

_But this was your fault. If you had stayed quiet, he wouldn't be dead._

_Emily misses you and this is your entire fault. You make no move to cover your sobs or wipe your tears off your face. You're too tired to cry anymore, but your eyes don't know that._

" _I'm sorry."_

_It's the first time you feel something other than sorrow for yourself._

_You flinch and tense when you feel Emily's arms wrap around you. It isn't until she's hushing your sobs and rubbing your back that you relax into her arms. Your arms end up wrapped around her back._

_It's the first time you've felt understood since you found the body._

_It's the first time you've felt comforted._

_You'll take all of it that you can get. You sink into Emily's arms and allow her to comfort you._

_You don't deserve the comfort._

_You don't._


	2. Here Comes Goodbye

Dreams.

The first time she had seen Toby in her dreams, Spencer had woken up with a smile on her face. For a moment, he had been alive to her. Then she looked around and saw the white walls surrounding her. The smile didn’t last on her face for long.

She hadn’t seen anyone for two days after Emily came to visit her. She hadn’t wanted to see anyone. It was just her family that visited her. Spencer made sure of that. Most of that time was spent in bed. All she wanted to do was sleep. The more she slept, the higher the chances were of seeing him. Even though she knew it was just a memory, Spencer would take anything she could grab onto. In her dreams, it didn’t matter that there were so many unsolved questions. It didn’t matter that he had hurt her so badly. None of it mattered.

His memory was edged into her brain. She couldn’t forget the way he’d look at her. The loved he felt for her—she had to believe that some of it was real. His smile haunted her.

It was the dreams of the future that caused Spencer pain. At least the past had been real. Whenever she awoke from the dreams of the future, it only hurt her more. None of those dreams would come true. There would never be little babies or houses. She couldn’t ask him to build her something. It was over. There would be no more memories and that absolutely killed Spencer.

She didn’t get out of bed when she had those dreams.

* * *

Spencer had been released a few days before the funeral. There hadn’t been much of a change in her condition, but the doctors concluded that she wasn’t a safety risk and could complete treatment at home. The days leading up to the funeral were dull. Spencer didn’t get out of bed except to go to the restroom.  She ate only a little and the concern over her well being only grew within her family. Aria, Emily and Hanna already knew that Spencer wasn’t going to be herself for a while.

It was still a surprise to see Spencer in that state on the day of the funeral.

“Spence,” Aria whispered as sat on the bed. The funeral was in a few hours and Spencer hadn’t begun to get ready yet. The girls had planed on going over to help Spencer get ready for a few days. Mellissa had been the one to call Aria about it. Apparently none of Spencer’s family could get her out of bed, but maybe the girls could. “We gotta get ready. You need to shower.”

“You’re starting to smell,” Hanna added softly as she waited to see if Aria could convince Spencer to get out. They had to get Spencer to the funeral. If Spencer didn’t go, they knew she’d regret it. It was a time for healing and for goodbyes. Emily poked Hanna once in the side as a reminder that Spencer wasn’t in the mood for joking. None of them really were.

“I don’t want to.” The reply came a few moments of silence later. Aria slowly pushed away the hair that was covering Spencer’s face. She could see the tear stains on her face as well as the circles that had blackened underneath the girl’s eyes. If it was up to Spencer, she would be back underneath the blankets and hide out for the rest of the day. She didn’t want this to become reality. It was easier if she just stayed in bed. If she stayed in bed, she could almost pretend that he wasn’t dead. She would have the dreams of him and wouldn’t have to see his body be put into the ground.

“You need to say goodbye.”

But that was exactly what Spencer was trying to avoid.

* * *

Spencer didn’t feel like the same person. She stared at herself in the mirror after she was done with the shower. Her gaze must have been glued to the mirror for at least five minutes. The girl she saw in the mirror didn’t even look the same. It was almost as if her entire appearance had changed when Toby died. Her outside had started to match how she felt inside. There was no makeup on her face and her hair hung wet around her face. Spencer could see the circles underneath her eyes from lack of sleep and all the damn crying she had been doing. Her cheekbones were more prominent than ever in contrast to how her cheeks had sunken in. Spencer knew she hadn’t been taking care of herself like she should. Her chin protruded out and everything about her screamed dull. She couldn’t imagine what had made her attractive before. All the makeup and hair products that laid in front of her seemed pointless. Spencer couldn’t make the effort to touch them or even her clothes. She had been able to shower and her quota for the day had been met. She just wished that everything would disappear. There was no point. No will. Nothing.

A knock on the door snapped Spencer out of her trailing thoughts. She didn’t respond, but the door opened anyways. Emily looked so concerned as she opened the door. It was the first time that Spencer had actually looked at Emily that day and it shocked her back slightly into reality. It wasn’t only her that Toby’s death had affected. She could see that Emily had been crying and it only pained Spencer more knowing that she hadn’t been able to help relieve the pain. Instead, she had been the cause of more pain and suffering. But Spencer couldn’t do anything. She felt helpless. She felt weak.

“I can’t, Em,” Spencer whimpered out. She could feel the tears start to rise within her. She didn’t want to cry anymore. She was too tired. She just wanted to surrender. Where was her white flag? When would this all be over? She felt finished. It was time to wave the white flag and just lay it all down. _Surrender_.

Emily just shook her head when she heard what Spencer said. She knew exactly how it felt to be in Spencer’s shoes. The only difference was that Toby hadn’t been what he said he was. Instead, he left that chapter of his story unsolved. It was just like Alison all over again. Spencer would never figure out what it all meant. She’d never figure out what he was doing on the “A team”. Emily knew that she was lucky that the reminders of Maya weren’t everywhere. For Spencer, all the people in the town seemed to be associated with Toby someway. Just like Emily was.

Emily wouldn’t be able to forgive herself for not being there for Spencer before, but she would be there for the girl now. Spencer had been there for her when Maya died. Emily couldn’t imagine what would have happened if Spencer wouldn’t have been _right_ there and held her up. Spencer had been the one to make sure she was all right for the next week. Emily wished that she had been that for Spencer. Instead Spencer had been locked up in Radley and that probably messed her up more than anything.

“Then let us.”

It wasn’t even Emily that spoke. The other two girls stood at the door looking at her. Spencer knew that they were more than willing to help and she wouldn’t deny the help any longer. As soon as she nodded, the girls got to work. The movements were slow and careful. Spencer knew that they didn’t want to scare her. It was like she was a fawn that they were tending to. Any sudden movements could set her off. The truth was that Spencer was past the point of denying help. Especially after the way Emily had looked at her. She just needed to go with what other people wanted. Spencer had to stop thinking about what had happened for now. Otherwise, she’d strike out and hurt everyone around her more than she already had. For now, she could let herself be vulnerable.

It was Aria who helped her get dressed. The old Spencer would have been mortified to not be able to get dressed by herself. But it was comforting now. She knew she could trust Aria, and the other girls in that respect. Spencer helped as much as she could, but it was just lifting her arms and legs. She didn’t know who picked out the outfit, but she was sure it was her mother. The black dress was simple. Spencer wouldn’t have wanted anything fancy anyways. Simpler was better. There was nobody to impress. The person she had wanted to impress…

No, she wouldn’t think about that.

Emily did her hair. Spencer was amazed that Emily had been able to brush it out. She hadn’t brushed it really since the night in the woods. If it hadn’t been for the nurses at Radley and her mother, Spencer would have just let her hair stay tangled. 

Emily was so careful with her brushing as well. There was no pain, only a few tugs, but Spencer didn’t have the sting. She remembered when she was a kid and her mother would comb her hair. Spencer had wanted to play and explore; it had been a way for her to avoid reality. Her mother didn’t like it though. By the end of the night, Spencer was sitting in front of her mother, or her nanny depending on the day, and had her hair yanked at. With Emily, the brushing was soothing. Spencer even closed her eyes for a bit at the soothing nature. Even with the tangles out, Emily kept brushing and it sent Spencer into a quiet lull. Emily’s fingers were gentle as they ran through Spencer’s now soft hair. There was no rush or anger. Spencer knew Emily was trying to comfort her, even through the hairbrush.

Hanna had the duty of her makeup. Luckily, one of the other girls must had talked to her about going easy on it, because by the time Hanna was done, Spencer felt comfortable with it.

Even with everything done, Spencer still looked in the mirror and saw someone else. The pieces didn’t match together.

Spencer Hastings didn’t match anymore.

* * *

There weren’t that many people at the funeral. Spencer didn’t know why she expected more to show up. Her family was there. The other girl’s families were there. _His_ family was there. But there was nowhere near as many people as at Alison’s funeral. There was only a small group gathered. Spencer had tried so hard to not cry. She had tried so hard to keep it all together. Hanna had been the one to first grab her arm. She couldn’t walk to the cemetery by herself. She _wouldn’t_. It was almost as Hanna sensed it and helped her along the way. Just the support allowed her to continue on.

Once she saw the casket, Spencer knew that her fight was in vein. The tears would come and the pain would return with it. As soon as she saw the casket, Spencer was frozen in place. The pain had welled in her chest and made it hard to breathe. He was dead.

Toby was _dead_.

Spencer must have stopped breathing for a moment. Her feet were frozen. If anything, she wanted to run the other way. It hurt too much. _Knowing_ that he was in there. He wasn’t breathing and he was in the casket. There was no doubt. Spencer had seen the body and as soon as the state coroner had confirmed it… _No_.

“I can’t…” Spencer managed. She didn’t want to cry in front of all these people. She didn’t want to stand and watch as Toby… she had to leave. She had to get out of there.

Another arm wrapped through her open one. “You can do it,” Emily whispered as she gripped tightly to Spencer’s arm. They weren’t going to let her go. They wouldn’t let her run away or fall down and perish. Hanna and Emily grounded her as they walked with her. They reminded her that there was still a world left. Even though Toby had died, the world kept spinning. There were still people that cared about her. It was enough to keep her going for now. She just needed to focus on that instead of the pain.

Spencer hadn’t been able to pay attention to anything the preacher had said once the service started. All she could do was stare at the casket. It was closed. The family had chosen to have a closed casket funeral. One part of Spencer wished she could see him, but the other knew it was for the better. She had her closure in the woods. She knew it was him; there was no doubt in her mind. Even though Spencer thought she had dealt with his death, the funeral came and knocked her back down on her ass. She wasn’t recovered. If anything she was worse than before. This was final. They were going to bury him. Toby was going to be in the _ground_ and _dead_.

Before she could even breathe, they were lowering the casket into the ground.

“No,” Spencer’s eyes widened. She hadn’t had the time. They couldn’t bury him. Not now. She shook her head. They couldn’t bury him. She just wanted another moment. Just one more moment. Was that too much to ask for? Spencer wished she could do something to stop it, but she couldn’t move. No matter how much she willed her body to do something, all she could do was stand there and start to cry. The whole process seemed like it took too long. The six-foot drop seemed like the furthest away. Because even though it was so close, it was a distance that would never be overcome. She would never see Toby again. He would never breathe again. Spencer wasn’t okay with that. She wasn’t fine. She couldn’t _breathe_.

The family threw the first handfuls of dirt into the ground after it. Spencer remembered doing it at Ian’s funeral but this was so different. She had been ready to move on with her life at Ian’s funeral; she didn’t think she would ever move on after this. Spencer hadn’t wanted to be that girlfriend, but she realized that it didn’t matter. She was the girlfriend that would cry. She was the girlfriend that wished she could throw herself down the hole and just die with him.

It was almost as if Emily sensed it because just as she thought of flinging herself down the hole, Emily’s hand grabbed onto her arm. Emily would probably never know how much the simple grab meant to Spencer. It allowed her to throw the dirt into the casket before completely breaking down. She didn’t understand how people kept it together at funerals. Didn’t they realize what it meant? Didn’t they realize that all hope was buried with the body?

Life was a never-ending cycle of loss and grief.

* * *

It would have been over if Jenna hadn’t come up to see her. She could have gone home and been done, but Spencer’s life was never that easy.

Hanna, Emily and Aria had formed defensively around her, but Spencer wanted to hear what Jenna had to say. Spencer had tried to ignore her at the funeral, but apparently going by undetected wouldn’t work for her anymore.

“This is your fault, you know that right?”

Before any of the girls had any time to react, Spencer beat them to it.

“I know.” There was no sarcasm, no double meaning. Spencer knew it was her fault. Toby was dead because of her. And she’d never forgive herself for it. The other girls must have chosen to ignore her words, because the shift in emotion within the group was evident.

“If you don’t leave right now, I’m going to make sure that the _least_ I’ve ever done is slap you,” Hanna spit fired back as she stepped slightly in front of Spencer. She didn’t even know that she had done it, but she wouldn’t let Spencer be under theses attacks from Jenna. Hanna didn’t care if Jenna had been crying. She wouldn’t let that bitch talk like that to Spencer. Her best friend had enough going on without having Jenna placing the blame on her.

Emily’s grip against Spencer’s arm only grew stronger. It wasn’t just comfort anymore; it was pure protection. Although no matter what happened, Spencer knew that what Jenna said was the truth. Those few words had made everything Spencer though become reality for her. Even if one other person blamed her for it, Spencer would take on the guilt. She wasn’t crazy. It was her fault.

Before she could say anything else, Spencer felt herself being pulled away from the situation by Emily.

Spencer didn’t say anything else until they got back to her house.

* * *

“I did this. He’s dead because of me,” Spencer muttered as she sat on her couch. The other girls had stayed. It seemed to be an unspoken rule that after a funeral they spent the night together. But it didn’t matter to Spencer. It didn’t matter that they were there. She just wanted to be alone. She wanted to be down in the ground with Toby.

“Stop it, Spence. Don’t let Jenna get in your head.”

“It is my fault. A warned me… and I told you guys anyway.”

“Spencer.”

“No! Stop!” It was the first time that Spencer spoke above a whisper. The emotion physically shook through her body. They didn’t understand. They didn’t feel what Spencer felt. How could anyone possibly understand the pain she was in? Spencer can see the shock in their faces, but she’s gone past the point of caring. She’s just angry. If she stays angry, she won’t have time to feel the pain. Spencer won’t have to accept what happened that day. “None of you understand. Don’t tell me it’s not my fault because it _is_. Just leave.”

It’s not even Hanna or Aria who reprimand her for her words. They are said with such anger and spite. It’s Emily who says something.

“No.” There is anger in Emily’s voice. There is anger and hurt. Somebody needs to say something to snap Spencer out of this state. It’s not healthy and Emily can’t stand to see Spencer continue to spiral downwards. Emily had tried the quiet approach, but it hadn’t worked. It only had caused Spencer more distress in the long run. Emily won’t let Spencer continue to push her friends away. It was time for another option.

“Don’t tell me that I don’t understand pain, _Spencer_. My girlfriend died too.” The reality of the words caused an uneasy silence in the room. “So you don’t get to push us all away. We all have known pain. People we’ve loved had died. And we’re here for _you_. So stop trying to push us away.”

Spencer shook her head harshly as she stood up. The words had shocked and surprised her. Spencer knew how incredibly selfish she had been. She knew that she was only hurting the people who cared about her, but she couldn’t stop herself. She wasn’t strong enough to accept it. If she let the other girls see her so broken…

“Get out!” Spencer nearly screamed as she pointed towards the door. It would be easier if they left. Then it was her playing field. She would be making the decision. But none of them moved. Emily only took another step towards her.

“Stop it,” Emily warned. The tears had already filled her eyes. It hurt to see Spencer in this state. She could brush off everything the other girl said, but she couldn’t brush out the hurt that she could see in Spencer’s entire being.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Aria added on in the background.  

Spencer’s eyes were welled with tears and her body began to shake. This wasn’t how she wanted it to go. “Get out.” The words weren’t meant with anger anymore. They were broken. Their meaning was skewed. It wasn’t Spencer’s defenses talking anymore. Instead, all the girls heard what the words were really saying.

_Please stay. Don’t leave_.

“We’re here for you, Spencer.”

The words continued to break the pieces away from Spencer and she could feel the tears begin to make their way down her face. She could barely talk, but all she knew was that she had been wrong. She didn’t want them to leave. They _couldn’t_ leave. Spencer didn’t want to be alone.

“Em.”

It was all the other girl needed to take the last few steps and embrace Spencer. The tears turned into sobs as Spencer was held. Even with her eyes tightly shut, the tears kept coming. Even the soothing words from Emily didn’t make the tears stop. All Spencer could mutter was apologies. It was to all of them, everyone that she had hurt with her words.

It was the first time that Spencer actually felt like she was beginning to heal.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any review would be greatly appreciated :)

**Author's Note:**

> this will be a 3-4 part series. it is inspired by dark paradise by lana del ray. toby is dead. mona never went to see spencer at radley. it has a different spin. will eventually be a spemily story.


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